What if you could attract women, by focusing on yourself?...not them


What if you could stop worrying about being alone… and find the relationship you crave?


What if you didn’t need to ask Google for dating tips because you were a catch without them already?



Hi I’m James Holtom. Dating mentor and founder of AllMenDream.


I love hearing people’s stories. It goes hand in hand with my job.


Forums like Reddit are a goldmine of raw unfiltered insights into the lives of anonymous men.


Yes, they’re mostly littered with trolls and silly memes:



The closest I’ll get to a girlfriend



closest i'll get to having girlfriend




As funny as they are, the comments that took me by surprise were sincere.



I'm sorry for being ugly reddit screenshot




Among thousands of juicy threads, the one that caught my eye was pretty bland --


Where do you see yourself in 5 years?


A question you’d expect to hear in a job interview.


Well, many of the comments were as expected:



reddit screenshot where do you see yourself in 5 years


Otherwise most seemed genuine.


I was struck by the pattern in most of the guy’s comments. They dreamed of getting better jobs, finding girlfriends and feeling healthier. But toward the end of their post, they would all say something like “but it probably won’t happen” or “who am I kidding? I’ll still be living with my parents”. There was a wide gap between what they would love to achieve, and what they believe they will achieve.


It reminds me of how I used to view my goals. Despite people’s criticisms, I’ve always thought highly of setting goals. I know they aren’t the golden bullet. After all, most people don’t fulfil their New Year’s Resolutions, yet still make them year on year.


January is the busiest month in every gym. By February, most people have forgotten their goals or given up entirely. Having set so many personal goals - to get a better job, to be healthier, to be more spiritual - I noticed a similar pattern. Back when I was single and in dire straits, year after year my resolution would be to get a girlfriend. “This is the year!” – But as they rolled by, nothing happened.


I set the same goal every year, despite it never happening. So, I began to scale it back. I made more manageable, bite-sized goals. “This year I will go on one date” – just one date!


Still, nothing happened.


When the following year began, I told myself “Sometime in the next 12 months I will approach ONE girl”. She needn’t even be interested. I just needed to do something.


But I did nothing. Again.


When the end of each year approached I felt guilty. I hated the Christmas period for two reasons. It reminded me I was alone, and I ran out of time to fulfil my resolution. I’d failed. I unwrapped a lump of guilt.


At some point I understood why I was scaling back my goals. It wasn’t that they were more manageable or more realistic. It wasn’t because they were easier. Just like the guys who post on Reddit, I was too afraid to commit to the idea of getting a girlfriend because deep down, in the pit of my stomach, I was certain it wouldn’t happen. I just couldn’t imagine a world where I would finally be in a relationship.


Recently, I was listening to a guy who was worried about getting older and remaining single.


Filled with anxiety yet only in his late twenties, he wondered “How old will I be by the time I’m in a long-term relationship? Or when we go on our first holiday? When we move in together, get married, start a family?”


“What if my parents die before they see me married? What if they pass away never knowing that everything worked out okay for me.”


It was exactly what I used to think but never acknowledged.


How long will it take? – The question most single guys want to know.


How about you?


Be honest with me. What are the worst things about being single for so long?





Every week’s the same.


Monday to Friday - go to work, come home, watch Netflix. At lunch – scrolling through Instagram and Facebook, stalking girls you went to school with. When there’s rarely a chance to meet women Monday to Thursday, the whole week builds up toward the weekend.


Friday and Saturday night. A friend’s birthday, casual drinks after work or late-night shots in a bar. One way or another, all that expectation ends in anti-climax.


Then it’s Sunday evening again. It’s dark and rainy outside and the Monday Blues are kicking in, all you want is to not be alone when you fall asleep watching a movie.


“What aren’t I doing right?”


You have so much to offer a girl, if they would only offer you a chance. Instead we witness day after day tick by whilst nothing changes - weeks, then months, then years. In quiet times alone we beat ourselves up, resigned to wanting something but not being able to figure out how and why we can’t have it.



What are we missing?



You see average looking guys with girls you’d happily be with and you’re left wondering “what do they have that I don’t?”


That’s what I thought.


I became obsessed with working out how some men go their whole lives always attracting women and having sex effortlessly whilst my efforts went completely unnoticed. I read tons of books on dating and pick-up, on attachment types and our relationships with our parents. I practised the stupid lines and techniques and all the embarrassing rejections that went with them. I interviewed my guy friends, their guy friends and random guys I happened to meet whilst networking.


What was the difference? Was it their looks? Were they born with it? Were they bad boys?


Here’s what I learned:


Most men believe being attractive is the combination of being sexy, successful, confident, eloquent, and a gentlemen.


They picture attractiveness as a sum of characteristics that must be possessed. To become more attractive then, they focus on building up their weaknesses. Working on each individual aspect one after another – “I need to learn what to say, put on muscle, buy some nice clothes and get a better job.”


And, whilst all the above could help, this approach is all wrong. Yes, girls want men who have taken care of the basics. But they don’t bring clipboards and checklists on dates, calculating if you’ve met their criteria.


They want men who make them feel excited, sexy, tense, overwhelmed, swept away, safe, at ease, comfortable, secure and desired. Because that’s what they remember, a week after you meet her, a little drunk in a dark bar. She won’t recall your impressive stories, but she’ll remember how you made her feel.


When men try to isolate and improve their individual characteristics, they slip up. Isolating specific areas to improve upon (pick-up game, style, health) is surface level. But so is focusing on making women feel excited, sexy and comfortable. It’s pointless.


Your life compass and your characteristics are all interlinked.


Who you are, what you do, how you act, your values, your priorities – they’re connected by your identity (the person you believe yourself to be).


The process of developing your identity is holistic. It improves all of you simultaneously, not individual areas, one at a time. Becoming a more attractive and dependable person is a side effect of that process.


Ironically, I found that focusing intensely on getting a girlfriend is the very reason why I turned women off.


Here’s the honest truth --


  • You could learn the perfect things to say…and nothing would change


  • You could spend the next 10 months building a body like Zac Efron’s…and nothing would change


  • You could have 10,000 Instagram followers and just as many average likes… and nothing would change



When single men look for answers, what are the usual “solutions” they seek out? For a lot of them it’s downloading Tinder, Googling “how can I tell if a girl likes me?”, “How long should I wait to text back” …or copying lines they’ve heard from guys on YouTube. Unfortunately, most of these men find themselves stuck in the same situation months later. Eventually they forget the hints and tips, and in a fit of rage delete Tinder vowing against online dating for life. But sadly, many will find themselves reinstalling that app weeks later, going in circles.


Meanwhile, the enlightened men are quietly getting on with their lives.



The secret of a Strong Identity



You know when you meet someone who just…hmm, someone who you immediately respect? People try to describe them but get lost for words and end up being vague, saying “he just… has something”, “he’s got that thing”, or “he just has it!”


That “it” is to be at ease with who you are. To be cool with yourself, warts and all. It’s to be unapologetically you, despite the consequences.


It’s standing up for yourself when somebody crosses the line and sticking to your opinion despite it being the unpopular one.


It’s not changing yourself to impress others.


That “it” is a Strong Identity.


And it makes women feel everything they hope to feel.



This is a Strong Identity – A shift in mindset that transforms men.



A Strong Identity is –


  • Having the confidence to be honest about who you are and what you want. (Even your sexual intent).


  • Controlling your anxiety and freeing yourself from it’s crippling effects.


  • The skill to develop a fulfilling and enduring relationship with somebody you’re truly excited to be with.


  • The ability to go from one failure to another, with no loss of enthusiasm and move on stronger.


  • Reaching for everything you want in life without hesitation.


  • Having a centred, balanced core that other people depend on.


  • The knowledge that in any given circumstance, you will comfortably be yourself.



Single men become overwhelmed by the breadth of dating tips on the market. They wonder how long it’ll take until they become the guy that women want to be with. Like those guys posting on Reddit – Where will I be in five years’ time?




Does it really take 5 years?


Of course not!





How would your ideal relationship work?


Monday morning – Wake up with her head on your chest, in your apartment, kiss each other goodbye for work.


Wednesday during lunch hour – Your phone lights up with a text “Happy hump day ;) Miss you. X”


Your Instagram is filled with silly selfies together on another spontaneous city break.


Saturday – Double date dinner. Gone are the days of sticky nightclub floors, loud pumping music, feeling desperate to meet women. When the night ends, the fun doesn’t stop. Sitting on the train home, asleep on your shoulder, you wake her up before you miss your stop.


Sunday night – On the sofa, introduce her to your favourite geeky pleasures (Rogue One and Game of Thrones maybe)


Now that your love life is in check, you have so much time and attention to focus on those things you’ve been putting off – researching a career change, business idea, that script you’ve wanted to write.


This type of relationship isn’t years away. You can transform your dating results in a matters of months.


That’s how long it took me, and most guys I teach.


A few months and you could meet the great love of your life.


I was single and alone well into my twenties. I had so much to offer but no girl would give me the chance to prove myself – and that was my problem. I was anxious about how the world perceived me. I was insecure, needy and desperate for my loneliness to end. I’d never had a girlfriend and was bombarded with questions about my dating life to the point that my friends and family assumed I was gay. But then something changed. My mindset shifted radically, and I developed a strong identity. My dating life improved tenfold, I began attracting the type of girls I always imagined I would. It felt phenomenal. Before long I found my girlfriend and the rest is history, as they say.


A strong identity is the empowering knowledge that you are in control of getting the relationship you want.


And when you develop that quiet confidence, it permeates your whole outlook on the world. When you break the shackles of anxiety you will feel free to accomplish so much more.


But, no man is attractive to every single girl. There is no mystical attractive power that some lucky men happen to have. All we can work on is our personal development – our strong identity.



The differences between a man with a strong identity and most other guys



Most guys: I’m not good looking enough to attract hot girls.

Guys with a strong identity: If a girl doesn’t find me attractive, that’s okay, I know others will. Besides, I’m interested in girls who value more than just looks.



Most Guys: I find the idea of being rejected difficult. It would be so embarrassing, I’d probably feel crap afterwards. I want to know exactly what to say and how to act so that rejection doesn’t happen.

Guys with SI: A painful rejection? Not to worry, we probably weren’t right for each other anyway. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but it’s an unavoidable part of finding someone I like.



Most Guys: I hate awkward silences on dates, it’s a sign that something isn’t going well. Before a date I’ll think about subjects to discuss or questions to ask to make sure I don’t run out of things to say.

Guys with SI: I’m comfortable with the occasional silence, when two people spend a few hours together, it’s inevitable. I don’t plan subject topics when I meet friends, what makes a date any different?



Most guys: I really hope she likes me. I want her to be my girlfriend. I’ll try my best to impress her.

Guys with a strong identity: I wonder if I’ll like her. It would be nice for the date to go well, but I won’t pretend to be something I’m not, for the sake of a girl I barely know.




This is the unnoticed difference of a strong identity that allows a small proportion of men to reap results whilst all the others – even really good-looking guys – get nowhere and wonder why.


It took me years of research, networking and painstaking trial and error to discover the 3 inner principles that separate the attractive men from every other guy.


Those principles can be taught, understood and internalised.


How come you’ve never heard of it before? In short, it doesn’t sell. The vast majority of single men are looking for easy tactics they can use this Friday in a bar. Tactics that “are proven to instantly turn her on” or “short circuit her psychology to get her into bed”.


But a small group of men aren’t looking for the easy way out. They understand the one thing separating the majority with the extraordinary is their strong sense of who they are.


Most men who decide to make this change, do it because they realise that tips and hacks won’t solve their problems. Are you sick and tired of:


  • Wishing you weren’t alone for yet another year?


  • Imagining your ideal relationship?


  • Reading the same advice over and over, waiting for the day you finally do something with it?



A strong identity changes everything. It’s a completely different mindset to most men. In fact, instead of overcoming those problems above…


…A strong identity informs your entire approach to life.


  • Become confident enough to speak up anywhere – with women, at work, in public


  • Deal with your anxiety


  • Command respect from those around you


  • Love who you are



Other men do it. Now you can too.






The Path to a Strong Identity


Go from single for life, to off the market for good. Feel more manly than ever, build true confidence and control your anxiety.



The Path to a Strong Identity is an online and one-on-one course that gives you the training and advice you need to finally get the fulfilling relationship you want through working on personal development and introducing 3 core principles that’ll inform your life from here on in.




This is specific to you – We work on a one-on-one basis, via video calls or in person (if you’re based in/around London, UK) plus written modules and action plans to work through in-between sessions. With email support throughout and beyond.


This is rapid – The course lasts 6 weeks or 12 weeks depending on your needs, with material that you can apply immediately. Take it at your own pace and revisit it whenever you want.


And this is practical – if you’ve already tried the random tips and hacks, and you want to go beyond symptoms to focus on what truly works, The Path to a Strong Identity gives you the precise, actionable steps to build these inner skills into your everyday life.


In this course you’ll learn


How to build natural confidence without acting or putting it on

The simple habit to free yourself from anxiety

How to talk to women without following a script

What it means to be masculine

How to prioritise yourself before others

The importance of honest intentions

How to set and maintain proper boundaries in all your relationships

Why you need to kill your ego

The communication skills you’ll need for a long enduring relationship

How to handle rejection

The secret to texting that’ll transform your responses

The steps to having good dates

Strategy: How and where to meet women, and everything you need to know for the approach

Intimacy: How to flirt and escalate to sex

The forgotten importance of saying “NO”

How to make the transition from dating to relationships

It’s okay to be weird

How to build trust


This is an active course that shows you how to integrate the principles into your life. With an action plan you’ll receive every step of the way, you’ll quickly see how rapidly you can get real results.


The Path to a Strong Identity is for you if…


  • You’re sick of being alone and want to finally get the relationship you’ve longed for.


  • You’ve read and tried the hacks and tips on the internet and gotten as far as you can on your own.


  • You’re focused on long-term personal development – Becoming a better man, adopting enduring new ways of thinking and new attitudes to carry with you for decades.






“I’m not ready”


I’m not ready to meet hot women because I’m not in good enough shape, I don’t know what to say and I’m not confident enough yet. Over the next few months I’m going to read a couple more books, go to the gym more and work out how to act more confident. So maybe early next year I’ll be ready to meet someone.”


This is a syndrome that plagues us all. Yes, even men with a strong identity occasionally feel like a fraud or like they aren’t good enough or ready yet. But the difference is in how you respond to this feeling.  Honestly, you’ll never feel ready, but the beauty is, you don’t need to. I didn’t feel ready when I met my girlfriend.



“I’m not good looking enough”


I don’t have classic good looks or big muscles. Girls will look straight past me.”


I’ll be honest – Looks matter. But not half as much as you think. Yes, good looks can help your initial attraction to women, but even with them, harbouring insecurities, anxiety and neediness will still turn women away regardless. The Path to a Strong Identity is based on becoming more attractive through working on your personality and character. You don’t need to look like Brad Pitt to attract a hot girl. However, there are basic steps every man can do to maximise his visual attractiveness, like style and grooming. All of which will be covered in the course.



"I’ve tried everything already. This stuff doesn’t work."


“I know all the hacks and read the latest pick up articles. I’ve tried them all out, but nothing seems to work for me.”


The problem with surface level advice is that it doesn’t dig deep enough. A few lines, a bad ass attitude, some teasing – they’re all pills to swallow to stop the pain. They take away the surface level symptom, but they don’t deal with the cause. What you may not have tried is identity level work unique to you, to understand and address the root of your anxiety.



“I don’t want to learn a list of things to remember that aren’t genuinely me.”


Neither did I.


Whilst part of the course focuses on conversation, body language and communication, the core of The Path to a Strong Identity is about understanding new principles, shifting your mindset and letting them grow inside you. This is done in a way that prioritises who you truly are.



“What if I fall behind?”


Don’t worry about it. If you get swamped at work, you book a last-minute holiday or you’re just not in the right frame of mind – whatever the reason, you can pause the course whenever you like and pick it back up when you’re ready. You’ll have lifetime access to the pre-written material, action plans and all written feedback provided in the course.


The one-on-one sessions take place once a week for the duration of the course, plus the initial welcome discussion. The sessions are an hour long but that’s not absolute. If we’re really hitting the good stuff and the clock strikes the hour, we’ll continue until the natural end without issue.


If you’re ready, you can learn the secret to attracting women and authentic masculinity. You can develop a strong identity to calmly and effectively meet the girl, build the relationship and live the life you deserve.



An unbeatable guarantee:



Try The Path to a Strong Identity for a full 30-days, 100% risk-free



A lot is packed in to The Path to A strong Identity. For that reason, I want to give you 30 days to let it digest, integrate it into your daily life and make sure it really works for you.


Try the course for 30 days. If you don’t love it, I insist that you get 100% of your money back.


It’s simple: Join the course and try it for yourself. If the powerful exercises and principles don’t help improve your life in 30 days, I want you to email me. Tell me what happened, and I’ll give you all your money back.



Pricing options for each program:


6 weeks


Six 1:1 Sessions

Follow up written action plans

Six written chapters

Email support throughout




12 Weeks


Twelve 1:1 Sessions

Follow up written action plans

Six written chapters

Email support throughout



Some men settle for being average.


Other men choose The Path to a Strong Identity.



Our lives are a series of relationships -


Family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, bosses and romantic partners.


We spend most of our lives struggling with that last one.


Desperately trying to find someone. To not be alone.


Trying to fit in - aiming to be what we think is attractive.


Letting others define what success means to us.


What I’ve learnt is that we don’t have to change ourselves to impress people or to live a fulfilling life. In fact, if we just got help on the biggest 3 sticking points in our lives we could transform our character, feel free and witness the world respond to us.


Most people go a lifetime hoping to be liked, chasing random tactics, becoming frustrated then blaming the opposite sex, relationships or marriages for their problems. Decades of shirking responsibility and avoiding the real issue.


How many people do you know in their 30s 40s 50s who have ended up bitter, unfulfilled or alone?


Now fast forward in your own life. What if you did nothing differently today…and ended up like them tomorrow?


Men with a good sense of identity recognise the importance of mastering conversations, encounters and learning how to flirt, but they know that their strong centred core is the one key that can never be taken away.


The Path to a Strong Identity provides the ultimate leverage in finding a relationship, confidence and embodying masculinity.


You don’t have to do this alone. I went through the painstaking process of discovering, distilling, and teaching these three essential principles of mastering who you are. They’ve helped me live a rich life, and I’d like to share the same with you.


These aren’t one-time techniques you’ll use this week or next month. In fact, these aren’t “techniques” at all.


These are the deep inner attitudes embodied by every man who has figured himself out -- in his relationships, his purpose and his passion. With that in mind, I’m giving you lifetime access to all written material in the course -- since I expect you’ll refer back to it now, 5 years from now, even 15 years from now.


I created The Path to a Strong Identity as your complete guidebook to being cool with who you are – to build confidence, develop your individuality, engineer your own success and find the girl of your dreams. You don’t have to tell anyone you joined the course. They’ll just notice your quiet confidence, the new way you carry yourself, and -- when times get stressful -- how calm you are.


Nobody can ever take those away from you.


Let’s take this journey together.


A year from now, you’re going to be a year older. What are you going to do?





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