"Why would a girl want me?"

Kick your anxiety - girls are dying to meet you.

 

In 2012, seasoned actor Daniel Craig returned to his role as the iconic spy, James Bond for a third outing.

 

After a mixed response to its predecessor, Skyfall was met with rave reviews. Among the usual hallmarks of a Bond movie - an enigmatic villain, shaken martinis and lingering shots of the Omega Seamaster on 007’s wrist - came some promising talent in the form of the latest Bond-Girl, French actress Berenice Marlohe. Relatively unknown at the time, Marlohe was thrust into the limelight, subject to many a showbiz interview in the lead up to the movie’s release. It was the Daily Mail that wrote - “She might be one of the most beautiful women on the planet”.

 

In that same interview, when asked to picture her ideal man, Marlohe answered - “he doesn’t need to be handsome...Charisma and sense of humour is what gives him that ‘wow’, you know?”

 

The Daily Mail rightly suggested “it seems you don’t have to be drop dead gorgeous to be in with a chance.”

 

So simple - make a girl a laugh and have a bit of charisma, and even Bond-Girls will be yours.

 

It’s a fantasy that bounces around the pick-up industry often - looks don’t matter at all. You could be a sweaty couch potato, learn some cool tricks and lines that mess with women’s psychology and fool even supermodels into dating you. Whilst I agree that classic good looks aren’t essential to attracting women, taking care of the way you look and sorting your life out definitely are - and everyone knows it.

 

Well, 8 years since the red carpet was rolled away, what happened to Berenice Marlohe? Did she marry Quasimodo or the guy who tries to impress women with magic tricks? - No.

 

It would appear Marlohe has enjoyed a string of romances with numerous tall, dark, chisel-jawed men. Whether they were just genuinely funny guys, who happened to be good looking will forever remain a mystery to the likes of you and me. We can, however, be sure that Marlohe’s low standards didn’t make it any easier for your average Joe to sweep her off her feet. If the reputable site whosdatedwho.com is to be believed, for now, Berenice Marlohe remains single.

 

Looks matter - It’s a harsh reality that we’ve all wrestled with.

 

Why would a girl want you?

 

Self doubt is a bitch. It has a habit of turning up at your front door like a jehovah's witness when you’re expecting your pizza.

 

We second guess ourselves all the time; doubting our potential to attract women is the tip of the iceberg.

 

With our minds set on that thing we want - we do our research, watch video lessons and whisper to ourselves ‘I can do this’. Then some time passes, we lose that momentum, only to decide somewhere down the line that we can’t do it after all.

 

It’s exactly how this guy feels…

 

 

screenshot guy on forum who wants to give up

 

We’ve all had days when we’re our own worst enemies - feeling like an imposter. Just when you think the anxiety can’t get any worse, it does. The struggle to find love can be the most brutal process...

 

 

screenshot of guy ranting on forum with low self esteem

 

It goes on.

 

Nursing low self-esteem can make attracting a girl near impossible.

 

  • “What’s wrong with me?”  

 

  • “Why would she ghost me?”

 

The longer a guy remains single, the more urgent he becomes...

 

  • “What if I’m still single in 5 years time?”

 

Low self esteem is a global pandemic.

 

South Korea has the highest rate of plastic surgery per capita in the world. Popular with both men and women, the most common procedures include skin whitening, nose jobs and double eyelid surgery. Reportedly it’s normal for parents to gift their children with cosmetic surgery after having completed their college entrance exams.

 

Perhaps more alarmingly is the staggering use these procedures just next door, in the hermit state of North Korea. You’d expect to see different results for a country cut off from the rest of the world’s trends. I imagine pirate copies of Magic Mike XXL are bound to have slipped through the border.

 

Our worst habit seems to be relentlessly comparing ourselves to others. No matter how many people tell us we’re awesome, we meticulously look for evidence that we are nobody, that we’ve fallen short of our life’s potential, and that we are undeserving of love

Guys get most hung up on their looks. Whether a chance glimpse in the mirror or a long hard stare at a photo of themselves - that sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach feels all the same, and no wonder. We’re bombarded with images of how a man should look constantly. No longer is it just a humble shot of Hugh Jackman on the cover Men’s Health somewhere in a supermarket - our lives are littered with pictures of half naked men and women that could pass for soft-core porn. Unsurprisingly, the rates of body dysmorphia in men have ballooned much like the popularity of social media in the last 10 years.

 

Has social media always been obsessed with the perfect self-image? Well, yes….

 

In 2003 Mark Zuckerberg created a programme that would provide the framework for his future juggernaut, Facebook. ‘Facemash’ he called it - an online platform that allowed users to compare the faces of their fellow students at Harvard and decide whose was hotter.

 

“Be connected. Be discovered. Be on Facebook.” - One of the many taglines to be churned out.

 

Whilst today’s favourite social apps weren’t created explicitly to rate women, what they truly provide is a space for people to show off how well life has turned out  - a place to feed egos.

 

Quite the opposite to connecting people, social media is isolating.

 

We’re given a rose-tinted window into the lives of our old friends and acquaintances. That guy you used to know - sitting on a rope swing on a beach in Bali. That girl you went to school with - visiting the best restaurants in the city. Every news feed post is another colourful example of how awesome everyone’s life is. A Master’s degree completed, a couple holding the keys to a new house, chiseled abs being worked out in the gym - With an eagle eye on all the cool things everybody else is doing, it’s pretty easy to feel overwhelmingly underwhelmed about our own lives, whilst lying on our beds at home, scrolling through these apps.

 

We have instant unlimited view of every extreme - celebs living lives of luxury, hanging out with the most beautiful people the world has seen, entrepreneurs younger than you driving Lamborghinis. Clips of the craziest storms, compilations of the most horrific car crashes and the short video about the selfless hero who owns a dog sanctuary in Guatemala.

Unprecedented feats of entrepreneurship and amazing trips abroad - Over time we unconsciously develop a feeling that these exceptional accomplishments are the new normal. With a feeling of inadequacy we attempt to keep up with our peers, anxiously wondering if we fall short. To prove our worth we cook up get rich quick schemes and fantasise about cool posts we’re gonna make the next time we leave the country.

 

The pressure to be worthy, successful men is intense. Compared to the amazing lives of everyone else, it would be easy for you to doubt whether or not your life is impressive enough for a nice girl to be interested. But the fairytale instagram profiles aren’t quite all they seem. You’re not the only one to question their value.

 

For women in general, stress and anxiety caused by the pressures of social media is worse. An article by The Guardian examining data over the past decade, witnessed a sharp increase in the rates of young women admitted to hospital in the midst of a mental health crisis and depression. They found the trend far less pronounced among boys of the same age.

 

In a similar article by The Guardian, five women shared their stories on the pressure of perfection.

 

One young lady, Salma, an 18 year old university student said:

 

“I feel the need to look perfect all the time. I am not sure where this obsession comes from but social media definitely makes it worse….

 

I spend ages scrolling through [Instagram] and seeing images of women with perfect hair and makeup, thinking I should look like them…

 

Social media also brings the pressure of getting lots of likes; a lot of people post at “prime time”, which is about 5pm, when everyone is online. I know friends who will say: “If I don’t get 40 likes I am deleting the picture…

 

Over the past few months I have started to become very self-conscious about my lips, which are not as full and beautiful as other black women’s. I don’t have plans to get plastic surgery, but if I did get anything done it would be lip fillers because it just seems to be a fashion thing now – lot of celebrities get it done.”

 

Intense feelings of inadequacy are isolating. But the one thing to take away is that in self-doubt, we are not alone. From top to bottom it seems we humans question our self worth regularly. Even the hot girl strutting down the street and the ripped guy in the gym wonder whether they are good enough to meet the world’s expectations.

 

We all have a habit of deciding that we’re either uniquely special or uniquely imperfect in some way.

 

 

  • “If only someone would recognise how talented I am”

 

  • After buying a lottery ticket with a 1 in 10 million chance of winning - “It has to be me, I can feel it”

 

  • “I bet it’s gonna rain on my birthday - I have such bad luck”

 

  • (Noticing a lump spring up on your leg overnight) - “Oh god, it’s bound to be cancer”.

 

  • “I think I might be the second coming of Jesus”

 

 

Despite the odds and the laws of science and physics, we think the rules are somehow different for us.

 

Sometimes we become entitled - “That girl is beneath me, she should beg me to grace her with my attention”. Other times, often soon after, we victimise ourselves - “I’m not worthy of a girl's love. Look at me! I am nothing!”

 

We feel as though we have problems we are forever incapable of solving - Nobody has a problem like yours. You’ve tried everything already and nothing has worked - “I guess I’m just a freak who’s destined to be alone forever.”

 

There is another harsh truth that we find difficult to confront -

 

The vast majority of people on earth are not special. That’s a fact that’s easy to swallow.

 

Few of us become an authority, a professional or a true talent in many things in life. Yet many base their life goals, their worth as humans, on becoming multi-millionaires and YouTube sensations or owning the sexiest cars.

 

“Everyone can be a star”, “Everybody has the potential to be extraordinary” - lofty notions that aren’t true.

 

If everybody was extraordinary, nobody would be.

 

That’s simple enough to accept that. The part that people avoid, the fact they deny, is that they are probably one of those people who aren’t special.

They spend their lives earnestly waiting to be discovered. Waiting for their inner brilliance to be recognised.

But it’ll never happen. They aren’t special.

And neither are you.

 

You probably won’t be the next Lewis Hamilton or Elon musk. You’ll probably never be famous, or a world leader, or save the world from impending doom.

 

You’re not special.

 

There are over 7.5 billion people on earth alive today. Everything you’ve ever thought and felt has also been felt by millions. All of your pains, joys and fears have already been experienced.

 

Millions of men have lived with the very same problems you have, and many of them have solved those problems. If it’s been solved before, it can be solved again.

 

Your problems aren’t special. You’re just another guy who is capable of finding love like everybody else. Even if you’re a single virgin in your 20s or 30s or 40s. There’s reassurance in insignificance.

 

Most men and women lead very average lives - Go to work, come home, watch T.V, exercise occasionally and look forward to the weekend.

 

We look at Instagram and Facebook, and the wildly exotic lives of the few. We assume our lives are boring, and yes, they might be, but so are 99% of the rest of the worlds.

 

Social media makes it appear that most people’s lives are awesome all of the time. But they’re not. Each and every post on Instagram has been painstakingly selected, carefully considered by the user to support their desired image.

 

Social media profiles are just highlight reels. They rarely reflect reality. They aren’t the everyday, mundane parts of life that nobody likes to share. Despite how glamorous a life might look through a regular post online, you don’t see the boredom, the anxiety, the emptiness that many experience, because they choose not to share those parts.

 

The girl who travels abroad every couple of weeks for work is still incredibly lonely and unable to make a relationship last due to her hectic schedule.

 

The guy with the pumped body who’s loaded with his dad’s cash still bores women to death, talking about his latest business ideas.

 

Why would a girl want a you? - Because life is generally mundane and unexciting for most of us.

 

Imagine most single women, waking up every morning thinking about their problem - how they’re dying to meet a great guy and struggling to keep up with the today’s expectations of beauty and success.

 

They want everything you want - companionship, shared experiences, sex, love, excitement. They want opportunities to get dressed up, go out and slap it all over instagram.

 

They want to be swept off their feet in a whirlwind of romance, away from online dating.

 

An article in The Atlantic describes the rise of dating app fatigue. A phenomenon you’ve probably experienced yourself.

 

Despite the popularity of dating apps, like you, most women don’t enjoy them. It’s a needs must situation. They’d rather meet a great guy in person, but it doesn’t happen, so they go online.

 

As a man, you have so much value to offer a girl just as you are. Meeting a guy in the real world, and having a boyfriend will completely transform her life.

 

You have the ability to make her feel everything she’s quietly dreamed of feeling by simply being who you are.

 

Ignore the ‘perfect’ examples of men and their lives on the internet - they’re fake. You’re not in a race with them, you don’t contend with anyone.

 

You may not be compatible with the majority of the women on the planet, like the rest of us, but you are compatible with many.

 

There are a wealth of women out there who are dying to meet a thoughtful man like you. With the passion and drive to be your best.

 

Yes, social media is a bitch. Yes, you might not be the richest, or smartest, or best looking. But you don’t need to be, and neither does she.

 

Why would a girl want you? - Forget about it.

 

Instead contemplate what you look for in her.

 

 

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