Your approach is all wrong.

 

Why you should stop caring about approaching women in the street.

 

Here’s how to attract girls in a way that’s true to you, even if you're shy.

 

 

Today I’m going to be sharing a message that you might not like to hear. A message that many of the other dating coaches out there won’t thank me for saying.

 

And that is why you should stop caring about approaching women in the street.

 

Now I’m not gonna try to convince you that approaching women in its entirety is wrong because that’s not true.

 

Approaching girls you don’t know is the way to infinitely expand the pool of women available to you, that was previously limited to your narrow social and work circles.

 

So yes, today, we’re gonna really dig into how to approach girls and where to do it. However, I’m going to run you through why approaching girls in the street or on the bus or even in cafés is a waste of your time and not the answer to your problems that others would have you believe.

 

The approach is perhaps the most commonly debated element of the attraction process. Entire seduction organisations and YouTube personalities are solely dedicated to it.

 

Why?

 

Because, like you probably did, when a guy first starts his journey into learning how to become more attractive and get a girlfriend, one of the first things he will think is - “Okay, well, I'm gonna need to meet more women… how do I do that? Where do I go? What do I say?”

 

There is a black hole of videos online of guys filming themselves talking to random women in the street, you’ve no doubt seen a handful yourself. The trouble is, the more you stress over the minute details and try to remember and replicate what the guys online are doing, the less likely you are to ever actually do it. You’ll become overwhelmed with the sheer volume of advice and wait for the day when you’re finally ready to make a move, which may never come. 

 

Firstly I want you to think about this - The approach is merely the first step in finding a relationship. It is probably the smallest step, just meeting someone for the first time. It’s the simplest thing to do. The more complex parts are the process of getting closer to a person over the first few months, moving from dating into a relationship and having the social skills and strength of character that leads to a long fulfilling companionship.

 

There are hoards of men signing up to boot camp weekends in London and New York to become experts at approaching. They pay a guy to force them to approach as many girls as they possibly can in two days, as if that’s the way to reach a normal fulfilling relationship.

“Same Day Lays” and spontaneous dates - these men will try to perfect and quantify a process that is merely going up to a person and to introducing themselves.

 

For some reason, many men picture themselves meeting women in the street.

 

Why? 

 

What is it about the street that is so awesome? Now as I said, I’m all for approaching girls in public that you don’t know, it’s vital to meeting new women - but why in the street?

 

Here's an idea I call the social spectrum.

 

On the far right of the social spectrum you have all those places and settings that are social - where people tend to let their hair down and are more open about talking to strangers - this includes bars, parties, salsa classes, social gatherings with mutual friends, weddings, common interest groups and other places of that nature.

 

On the far left of the spectrum you have all the places that are far removed from a social setting, where you wouldn't generally go to let your hair down or meet a new person - i.e. shopping malls, supermarkets, public transport, or in the street.

 

In the middle you have those places that are far less social than a party for instance but more so than the street - like cafés, libraries and bookshops.

 

The further away you travel from the right hand side of the spectrum, (the very social end) the harder it generally gets to meet people. This is because it just isn’t normal to meet people in the street or on the bus, or in a supermarket. If someone was to stop you in one of these places randomly, your split second instinct would be - they’re either asking for directions, want my money, or they’re a weirdo. That might not be the case, but this is the problem you face when trying to meet girls in the street. You are already fighting an uphill battle because the girl is going to have her guard up. She just isn’t used to having fun, genuine interactions with guys in the streets. 

 

When I first began to coach guys on getting into relationships I thought most of them would need me to talk them through getting over approach anxiety. Whilst this was the case for the majority, there were a handful of guys that were already approaching scores of women in the street. Just like they’d seen online. They’d spend all day every weekend hitting the streets, approach after approach and getting nowhere, except for a few numbers that never materialised into any dates. Many explained that months down the line they were having in fewer good interactions than they were when they first started. One guy I worked with had ended up completely demoralised and insecure about himself, far more so than when he started out. 

 

Some of you might now be thinking -

 

“Well, that was probably because those guys weren’t doing it right.”

 

Well yeah, maybe. We don't know. But ultimately...

 

The further removed you are from a social setting, the harder it gets to meet women.

 

So again, I ask you - why obsess about meeting women in the street, mall, supermarket or even coffee shops? Why stack the odds against you - what do you have to prove?

 

This is the thing about approaching girls in the street or very public places - Even when you have a great interaction and get a number, the likelihood of the girl ever getting back to you when you text is slim. 

 

This often goes unspoken in the videos online; Girls are far flakier when you meet them in the street than when you meet them in a social setting.

 

Why? 

 

Because they just aren’t used to it. Imagine them telling their best friend a couple days after your approach - “Oh I’m gonna go on a date with this guy I met on the street a couple days ago…” 

 

Her friend would say “What?!”

 

I want you to stick to what you know - stick to what’s tried and tested.

 

Aim to approach women in places where women go to meet people. Or places where people go to be social, and are more open to talking to strangers.

 

Bars are a great place to meet women. You might not like to hear that, but I stand by it. Men who seek my advice tend to shy away from them. Down to a poor track record, they think that taking their search to the streets and cafés in the middle of the day will transform their results. Maybe this sounds familiar?

 

The thing is, bars are an easy place to approach girls. Due to the social setting, women tend to have their guard down - they expect to meet men. It becomes normal to walk up to a girl you don’t know to strike up a conversation. You might see that as a disadvantage – it means that there will be more competition, yes, but most men fuck up their chances by themselves. Their approach is all wrong. They stare too hard, brag about their impressive lives and linger for too long. They bore women to death. Take no notice of other men, it doesn’t take much to set you apart from the general male population.

 

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to meet women in other spaces, but to avoid bars completely is surely counterintuitive for a man trying to meet women – They are essentially a place where single women go, to let their hair down.

 

You could be thinking - “But James, the type of girls I like don’t go to bars. I don’t like clubs and raves.”

 

Okay well first off - We're not talking about raves and clubs. We're talking about bars. 

 

Yes they might be dark, yes the music might be loud, yes there may be a lot of other guys there who are also trying to meet girls. 

 

Now some bars are cockfests. Some have really sticky floors and just aren’t nice places to meet people, but I don’t believe that in your city, or town or village, I don’t believe that there isn’t a good bar somewhere nearby. Near enough that you don’t have to pay your months wage on a taxi fare, book a flight or charter a boat. If you do live a hundred miles from the nearest bar, then perhaps it’s time to relocate.

 

With a little research you can find bars that are maybe a little smaller, that aren’t quite as busy and where the clientele aren’t inbred.

 

Aim for cocktail bars and instead of dusty old pubs - places where women like to go and socialise, and dance. 

 

Anyway, despite the dark spaces, loud music, and competition, it’s far easier to meet and attract women in bars, than it is in a street (which is the polar opposite of a social situation). 

 

As I said, the ease of your approach slowly diminishes as you travel down the spectrum of social to non-social i.e bar, friend’s party, wedding, cafés, galleries, theatre, library, street. In that general order.

 

So maybe it’s time to reconsider your previous attitude toward your old enemy.

 

What do you need to know about the approach?

 

What are the fundamentals you must recognise? 

 

Well the truth is, you don’t need to spend hours and days watching tons of videos and replicating what others are doing, the more you do that the more not ready and inadequate you’ll feel.

 

Here’s a summary of the core lessons that I’m gonna dig into:

      1. Your pre-approach state of mind-  Know what you can and can't achieve in a single approach.  Your aim is to simply find out if there's a mutual attraction, not to find a girlfriend. 
      2. The initial opener- Give her space, hold eye contact and calmly explain what's going on.
      3. Having an effective interaction- Have a conversation, get to know each other a little and flirt. Work out if there's an attraction or not.
      4. Closing the approach- Ask for her phone number without making a song and dance about it.
      5. Following up at a later date- Don't text her right away. Leave it for a little while to build the tension.
      6. Kicking your anxiety- It's okay to be rejected. Embrace the embarrassment and take action anyway.
      1. Your pre-approach state of mind 

Before we get into detail, start off with developing the right intention. What do you want? Know what you can and can’t achieve in a single approach.

 

Though it’s possible, I don’t recommend aiming for ‘same day lays’ and spontaneous sex. When you attach rigid outcomes to your interactions, it will shine through. She’ll sense your hidden agenda and it’ll push her away. Besides, sex isn’t the best way to start a relationship or dating process. Also, many men who follow my advice tend to have insecurities involving sex, usually due to lack of experience. Far better for them is to cross that bridge in a comfortable environment, with understanding and intimacy and not intense pressure to perform.

 

Most men approach women with an aim to make girls like them. This could be the same for you. To avoid rejection, they search for ‘fool proof’ tactics that are ‘guaranteed’ to work. This attitude is needy. Being attractive to every girl is impossible, not to mention completely unnecessary. You need to approach the approach, with the simple mindset that you’re going to find out if you could like each other. i.e ‘She’s cute, I’d love to meet her’. And nothing more.

Your core intention should be to maximise your happiness, not to get a girlfriend, or to impress women or for practice – these pursuits are empty.

When you attach quantifiable goals like these, your interactions become conditional – i.e. you’re telling her you think she’s cute because you want her to like you, you want her body, or her approval. These expectations can be sensed in your words, behaviour and general energy. Instead you must approach women unconditionally, with the sole intention to maximise your happiness – find out if you might like each other and see if there’s mutual attraction. If there is - great! – “maybe we could meet again sometime – what’s your number?” If there isn’t then that’s fine too, at least you found out. 

 

2. The initial opener 

 

Some general benchmark advice that goes without saying:

 

If you still decide to opt for a very public space - You’re best approaching her from the front, rather than tapping her on the shoulder or saying “excuse me” from behind. But this is less important in a bar or party.

 

When you walk up to her - don’t get in her face, whether you’re in the street, a bar or a café – don’t invade her personal space. Don’t grab her or stop her from walking away. Don't jump in front of her or block her exit. If she wants to leave and keep walking, you need to stay put and let her. It’s far more effective than chasing after her.

 

Walk up to her, hold good eye contact and maintain that personal boundary.

 

Introduce yourself and explain what’s going on, which is especially important in the street as if you just said “Hey, I’m Neale, how’s it going?” without explaining why you’re there, she’ll probably think you’re trying to sell something.

 

So, speak slowly, clearly and take your time – “Excuse me, can I just say, I was just standing over there with my friend and I thought you looked really cute (pause) what’s your name?”

 

Or

 

“Hey, this is gonna sound random but I was just saw you from over there and I thought you look really nice, I wanted to come say hi, what’s your name?”

 

Any variation of this is fine, it doesn’t really matter what you say, what matters is your intention, which we’ve discussed . Just don’t go complimenting her ass and tits, as there’s a high chance you’ll freak her out.

 

The important thing about your initial introduction is that you explain two things – context and interest.

 

Context – “I was just chatting to my mate”, “I was just drinking coffee over there” etc – It can be quite overwhelming and confusing if you’re looking down at your phone, zoned out when a random person comes up to you unexpectedly – saying a short context sentence gives her a chance to understand what’s going on and listen to what you’re saying. By the time you get the next sentence she’ll be listening fully.

 

Interest – “I think you’re cute”, “you look really nice” – importantly you need to explain the purpose of this interaction. Communicate your sexual/romantic interest. Make no excuse. Don’t pretend you need directions or don’t have a phone to check the time. Tell her you like her – It’s confident, sexy and will weed out the women you have no hope with anyway – those happily married or in relationships, just not interested or gay - from those you actually have a chance with.

 

3. Having an effective interaction

 

The idea is that you have a conversation. You get to know each other a little, flirt, see if there’s a mutual attraction then exchange contact details with a view to meeting again soon. That interaction could take place over 5 minutes or an hour. Generally, if your interaction lasts only 5 minutes from start to end, you’ll have less chance of her ever replying to your texts than if you spent 30 minutes with her. Just something to bear in mind.

 

So you’ve already said “Hey, I just had to come and tell you, I think you look really cute, what’s your name?”

 

She says “Oh thanks, this has never happened before, I’m Emily, what’s your name?”

 

You say - “I’m Earl”

 

It’s time to get her talking.

 

The best thing to do is start with a statement, instead of a question. 

 

For example, instead of asking - “where are you going?”

 

You could say - “you look like you’re in a hurry, you must be heading to work?”

 

Or if she’s carrying lots of bags - “You look like you’ve been shopping for the last couple of hours, you must be exhausted."

 

Let's say you're in a bar when you notice a girl who appears to be of a Mediterranean descent, you could say -"You don't look like you're from around here.  You must be European."

 

Or if she has bright blonde hair and fair skin - "You must be Scandinavian or something, you have such blonde hair."

 

But remember, regular questions are still a normal part of the conversation, just don’t fall into the trap of turning your approach into an interview.

 

Communicating your sexual interest is key to approaching women. That doesn’t mean telling them you want to have sex. It means you need to flirt. Flirting is expressing your sexual interest in a way that makes her feel comfortable enough to express her's back.

 

I won’t teach you to suck eggs but basically, there are two forms of flirting – direct and indirect. Direct flirting is being honest and cheeky – “I think you look really cute."

 

“I’d love to get to know you more."

 

“I must say, you look really hot."

 

This causes the girl to wonder “what’s going to happen next?” - Which creates sexual tension.

 

Whereas indirect flirting is sending mixed signals, like teasing. Teasing isn’t insulting someone or being mean, it’s subtly making fun in a silly way. It could literally be anything – maybe she’s holding a massive ice cream that she’s desperately trying to prevent dripping, and you say “I bet that seemed like a good idea when you bought it…”

 

It’s difficult to teach something that’s spontaneous and completely dependent on the situation. You might not consider yourself very funny, but I’m sure when you’re chatting with friends, you’ll have no trouble making fun of them every now and then. Nothing changes when you’re with a girl. Teasing sends mixed signals because the words you’re saying mean ‘you’re silly/you’re embarrassing/I think you’re stupid’ (remember – not trying to insult them or be mean), whereas the attitude and intention behind the tease is, 'I’m having fun with you'. This causes the girl to question herself – 'Does he like me?” which again creates sexual tension. This idea, in essence, forms all seduction related advice about pretending to not be interested. Do not overthink it. 

 

Ideally after you’ve been talking for a few minutes, getting to know each other and communicating that you’re interested, to maximise your chance of meeting again you should share a quick coffee or a drink.

 

If you are in the street or library or museum etc. The easiest thing to do is go to the nearest café, or if the vibe is right, grab a drink in a nearby bar.

 

After chatting for 5 -10 minutes I would say something like “Well, listen Emily, I’ve only got about 20/30 minutes before I should really shoot off, but why don’t we grab a quick coffee?

 

Or if you were already with a friend of yours,

 

“Emily, you seem really nice, I’m sure my friend won’t miss me for 10/20 minutes, how about we grab a quick coffee, there’s a café just around the corner." (or whatever)

 

If you meet a girl in a bar, the equivalent of a spontaneous date would be buying her a drink and talking/flirting for a while longer before exchanging numbers.

 

If you’re already in a café when you meet a girl, you could always suggest “Why don’t we go for a quick walk down the street for 10 minutes or grab an ice cream" (or hot chocolate for any Inuits out there)

Importantly here is the time restriction. Make it clear that you’re not expecting to spend the next hour or two with her. Because:

      1. If you met her in the street, it’s safe to assume she was on her way somewhere and probably wants to carry on with her life at some point, no matter how amazing she thinks you are.
      2. Perhaps the biggest turn off for women is a guy who is needy. When they meet you randomly in the street and consider the prospect of exchanging contact details/spending more time with you, their main concern, understandably, is going to be that you’re a crazy stalker who becomes infatuated with women he’s only just met, who will blow up their phone and tell all his family he has a new girlfriend.

 

Explaining that you only have 15 minutes or so is a subtle way of communicating that you understand points 1 and 2.

 

4. Closing the approach

 

The easiest part.

 

Whether or not you have a spontaneous date, when your approach has reached its natural end it’s time to get her number. Don’t fanny around asking for permission to ask for her phone number, just say -

 

“Well, Emily, I best go, but it’s been really nice meeting you, if a bit random. I’d love to see you again sometime, What’s your phone number?”

 

Or

 

“Anyway, Emily, I’m glad I stopped to speak to you, you’re a really nice girl. What’s your phone number? Maybe we could meet again sometime.”

 

Avoid arranging a date there and then, although you might think this a good way to make sure you see her again, it can come across as needy.

 

Once you’ve got the number, say goodbye, give her a kiss on the cheek, or lips if it seems right, then leave.

 

5. Following up at a later date

 

After getting a girls phone number don’t text her right away. Again, it seems very desperate, like you can’t live without her, moments after meeting her. In fact, don’t even text her that same day. If you haven’t already, read my complete guide to texting, where all the same principles apply. All I would say is, If you meet a girl in the street, there’s nothing wrong with texting her the next day. I recommend waiting two days after meeting a girl in a bar, before texting them. That’s because, in bars, girls are used to giving out their phone number then hearing from needy guys that same evening or the next day. Waiting two days communicates that you aren’t desperate and sends some mixed signals, which as you know, creates tension.

 

Women aren’t used to giving out their phone numbers to guys in the street. For this reason, texting her at some point the following day – whilst following my  guide to texting girls, will be fine.

 

6. Kicking anxiety

 

Inevitably, you will watch many attractive women pass you by without summoning the courage to approach them. You might resent yourself for letting so many ripe opportunities slip your grasp, whilst you stand there doing nothing.

 

Don’t beat yourself up. I hate the attitude that you must approach every hot girl you see. If you decide not too, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re a pussy or you’ve bitched out. Sometimes it won’t be appropriate depending on the context and logistics, or maybe you just might not feel like it. You have nothing to prove.

 

However, become aware of the thoughts that make you resist approaching women. Thoughts like - “I’m not ready”, “I just don’t know what to say”, “I’m too anxious” – are just forms of avoidance. The more you listen to them and bend to their will, the less likely you will ever push through them.

 

Stop believing the excuses, and instead turn them into reasons to approach. For example – "I will speak to her, even though I’m scared."

 

Here’s a thought that might help:

 

You’re walking in the street, standing in the bar etc, when you see a girl you’d love to meet. You consider approaching her. Immediately the feelings of anxiety kick in as you begin to plan the next few moments. Before they have a chance to paralyse you, think about something else. Focus on the feeling in your feet. Really think about it – get curious about how they feel. How evenly is the weight distributed from your toes to your heel? Do they feel heavy, light, tight? Experience the feeling of each foot rolling up and off the ground then stepping back down as you walk toward her. Don’t try to change anything, just notice how you feel. Feel the gravity in them. Do this right up until you first open your mouth. This might sound silly, but it is key! You won’t forget what to say, just trust yourself. If you start planning what lines and how to act, you’ll only start second guessing yourself, imagining how it might go wrong, procrastinating and missing the opportunity altogether. You see a girl you want to approach, walk up to her without hesitation, focus on your feet, then speak.

 

Many of you out there will want to find a complete a-z guide with exact scripts and lines so that you can plan your approaches entirely from start to finish. You’ll no doubt scour YouTube for videos of guys approaching girls, which is fine in the short-term, until it becomes an obsession - trying to copy word for word whilst feeling even more inadequate. You might think you need to learn lines, flirtatious innuendos, or how to tick every box from opening to closing.

 

As I said at the beginning, that is completely unnecessary. The reason I don’t write out long scripted conversations with flirtatious comments is because they’re not natural, and YOU DON’T NEED THEM.

 

No amount of research will prevent you from getting rejected from time to time. But I promise you, if you approach a girl in the street and it doesn’t go well, she won’t point and laugh at you, she won’t shout rape or tell you to f*ck off, the police won’t interrogate you. If you get rejected, 99 times out of 100 the girl will say something like this, “Sorry, I have a boyfriend”, or “Sorry, I have to go, but thank you."

 

All you really need to know about an approach is – walk up to a girl, tell her you like her, get to know each other a little bit and establish if there is a mutual attraction, exchange contact details to facilitate another meeting – that’s it. If you find you’re consistently stopping yourself because you feel like you aren’t ready or don’t now enough, that isn’t the case – you’re just feeling anxiety.

 

If you haven’t had the chance, I recommend listening to my podcast, by following that link near the top of the home page. There’s a section dedicated to getting over your anxiety that’ll help.

 

Now that you've read this guide and are fully aware that bars are still a great place to meet women, read my bar specific guide that details how to raise yourself above the vast majority of other men, by minding your own business and practising good approaches.

 

 

 

 

 

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