The ultimate guide to texting girls.

 

Here's the summary of what's to follow:

 

  1. Bad Behaviour -  Frequent, lengthy, weird messages scare women away.
  2. Frequency - Text girls less often to experience better responses.
  3. Length of messages - Make your messages short, concise and easy to reply to.
  4. Content of messages - Use texting to facilitate meetings and to 'check-in' occasionally. Phones aren't for getting to know each other, save it for the dates.
  5. Examples - Look at the good and the bad, then put your knowledge into practice.

 

How often do you find yourself checking your phone to see if a girl has replied?

I know how it feels. I’d get more and more anxious as the minutes and hours went by. I’d over-analyse the text I’d sent and think of better things I should’ve said instead, despite knowing it was too late. My mind would be so distracted, I wouldn’t concentrate at work.

Sometimes I’d never get a reply, but when I did, I’d breathe a sigh of relief and wonder why I’d been so wound up. Then I’d spend way too long thinking of something cool and flirty to reply with. I’d write a sentence in 10 different ways that said the same thing before eventually pressing send, and the cycle would begin again.

I was so annoyed that girls who seemed to like me when we met, could be so flaky that same night when I followed them up with texts.

I couldn’t put up with the rollercoaster anymore.

Through trial and error I began to understand the sort of thing that girls don’t respond to. I discovered some basic rules that transformed my numbers into dates.

Do you want texting girls to be quick and easy, but effective? Well it can be.

Your texts can be unlike most other men’s, without having to come up with ridiculous one liners or “qualifying” questions that don’t reflect your character.

The texting behaviour I teach is effective because it shows a girl that you aren’t needy and won’t harass her if she decides she doesn’t like you. It communicates a degree of confidence and self-assurance that girls find attractive. I’m going to teach you better texting etiquette that makes it easy for a girl to say yes.

Once I’d learned these rules, I was often told how different from other men I seemed just through my texts. It doesn’t require much effort at all. It’s very simple - less is more.

I see my mobile phone as a tool to arrange dates and meetings. Not a place to get to know a girl or build rapport. Now I understand that if you’re meeting girls for the first time online, there’ll inevitably be the ‘get to know you’ texts before you meet (which I encourage you to keep brief). However once you’ve met for the first time, whether you met online or not, the texting game begins.

Before I begin I must remind you all of my stance on PUA tactics. If you’ve looked around the website you’ll know that I believe most PUA techniques don’t solve the bigger issues, set you up for failure and reinforce insecurities you may already have.

My guide to texting isn’t to teach you how to get a girl into your bedroom as soon as possible. Neither is it intended to trick girls into finding you attractive or to encourage you to hide behind text.

My guide will simply train you to communicate better with girls whose numbers you’ve acquired, and will maximise your chances of dating them.

Let’s begin

 

Bad behaviour

 

So often I hear stories from my girlfriend about how a friend of hers is dating a guy, but the guy is getting needy and overbearing. I ask what he’s doing and the reply is always something like “he’s texting her too much” or “he’s not giving her enough space”.

 I also get my own friends tell me about girls they’d met who seemed really into them initially, but slowly fizzled away after texting each other for a little while.

There are three main texting habits that betray men. They are:

  1. Frequency – Texting a girl far too often.
  2. Length of messages – Writing essays that women find hard to reply to.
  3. Content of message – Saying something creepy or completely unnecessary.

 

Frequency

 

Texting a girl too often is a big turn off. It will make you seem really needy.  Neediness is a complex topic and I won’t be going into it here, but for now just accept, women find neediness unattractive, especially if they barely know you.

Regularly texting a girl you’ve just met says “I hardly know you but I’m desperate to have a girl in my life so now I can’t live without you”. It gives the impression that you probably don’t get other girl’s numbers very often and probably don’t go on many dates, which must mean you aren’t much of a catch. You will also appear to have nothing better to do than text her, a girl you didn’t know a week or two ago, and probably don’t have much going on in your life.

 

Length of messages

 

Long messages are a ball ache to reply to. People feel obliged to roughly match the length of their message to the text they’re responding to. Only my auntie and my weird friend send me essays or long paragraphs with lots of questions and statements. I love my auntie and my buddy but when they send me a message like -

“Hey James, how are you? What have you been up to this week?...I was in London yesterday and saw this Mexican restaurant that reminded me of when we ate burritos on the south bank… do you remember when that homeless man shouted “TOM CRUISE!” at you and then pulled his trousers down? Lol omg that was so funny. Do you think he was on drugs? You do look a bit like Tom Cruise tho tbf, has anyone else ever told you that? A cheaper version of course HAHA. Anyway, did you have a good weekend in Soho? Looking forward to catching up soon, it’s been a while hasn’t it? When was it we last met up again? I’ve got a new job actually, at a place near you, it’s called Rentboys4u, have you heard of it? You’d better have lots of beer in your fridge, you remember the ones I like, they are the ones that made me sick at that New Years party that time when I passed out, pissed and thoroughly embarrassed myself. Let’s have a repeat! See you soon, lol xxx.”

Messages that waffle along with multiple questions and stories that I’ll have to acknowledge in my reply, annoy me. Most of the time I put off replying because I know it requires me to write more than a line or two. Then eventually I forget about the message all together and realise a week later that my auntie Phyllis is still waiting to hear from me.

This is how a girl feels. Don’t make it hard for a girl to reply to your messages. Make it as easy as possible for a girl to say ‘yes’ to a date, without having to write a paragraph of rubbish just to match the message that you sent.

The shorter the better.

 

                  Content of messages

 

The purpose of the phone is to facilitate meetings. The way you facilitate meetings is by setting dates and sending the very occasional ‘checking in’ text, not to remind the girl of your existence but to let her know she was on your mind.

Many guys try to actively build attraction through texts. They’ll do this by writing messages they think are flirty or suggestive, or ask questions and say things that they think are impressive. This behaviour will more than likely backfire. It’ll come across as needy, cocky or just plain weird.

Instead, the phone can be used to passively build tension and anticipation. If the content of your messages are direct, light and mainly to facilitate a meeting, girls will become intrigued to find out more about you, because you haven’t given much away. Also, by not trying to work so hard to make them like you they’ll see that you’ve done this before and aren’t so desperate for something to happen. This is the type of behaviour that women like in a man early on.

 

Let’s look at a scenario

 

Jono meets Carly in a bar on Saturday night. They flirt and he gets a kiss, they exchange numbers. Jono thinks Carly is just his type and is eager to see her again. He doesn’t want Carly to forget about him so the next morning, or even that same night, he starts to text her. To Jono’s joy, Carly replies and chats to him. They exchange some “getting to know you” texts and some ‘chit chat’. Jono talks about himself a little, while trying to be flirty and funny. His plan is to ask Carly out for a date when she seems warm enough and after dropping a few hints. To Jono’s dismay, a few days have gone by and Carly’s texts are becoming less frequent. Jono seems to be the one who’s starting all of the conversations. Carly doesn’t ask Jono as many questions as she did. Eventually Jono never hears from Carly again. Jono is dumbfounded. Carly was kissing him in the bar and was texting him endlessly to begin with but somehow he’s fucked things up again.

Does this sound familiar?

 

The break down

 

The first problem was how soon Jono messaged Carly once getting her number. (Frequency)

My rule of thumb is: if you get a girl’s number on a Saturday night, you shouldn’t text her until Tuesday. I know that sounds dickish but listen. If your meeting with a girl was so insignificant that she’s forgotten you a few days later, then texting her the next day so that she remembers isn’t going to help. You never would’ve had a chance in the first place. By waiting a couple of days to send the first text, Jono would’ve given Carly some time and space to think about their encounter, to process how she felt about Jono and whether or not she’d like to see Jono again. Carly would expect Jono to send a text quite early on because that’s what most guys do. But by the time Monday comes and Jono hasn’t messaged her yet, tension begins to build. Carly wonders why Jono hasn’t text her yet. She replays their meeting in her head. ‘Maybe Jono’s been busy the rest of the weekend, maybe he didn’t like me that much, maybe Jono is talking to other girls’ By the time Tuesday arrives, the anticipation and excitement is eating Carly up. Unlike the example above, Jono instead sends a short and direct text message. (Length/Content)

 For example –

 “Hi Carly, This is Jono. How are you? When are you free to go for a drink this week?”

Or if you like you can add -

“....it was nice meeting you the other night, When are you free to go for a drink this week?”

I remember the first time I sent an opening text like this to a girl. When we actually met for the date the following weekend, she told me how no guy had ever been so direct with her before. She loved the confidence.

The true meaning behind a message like this is -

There was no hurry to text you after we met the other night. We had a great interaction but I like to give people space to think. I assume you were attracted to me and would like to see me again as you gave me your number. I liked you also and want to meet you again – (But it would be weird to say something like this).

The second problem in the original scenario was the chit chat and ‘get to know you’ texts. (Content) Texts like these are not necessary. You don’t have to keep a girl “warm” or remind her that you’re interested (she already knows that), you don’t have to try to entertain her or make her like you before asking her for a date, and you don’t have to fill the time between setting a date and going on it with chit chat texts. Chit chat texts take all the fun out of dating. You go on dates to work out if you like someone or not. You shouldn’t be doing this on the phone. Texts can be interpreted in many different ways. A girl you’ve recently met doesn’t know when you’re being sarcastic or silly in person. She definitely doesn’t know when you’re being sarcastic or silly through text.

Furthermore, if you’ve already asked a girl a load of questions through text, what are going to talk about when you meet her?

It’s far more effective to give a girl space. After all, the quickest way to get someone’s attention is to remove yours. Chit chatting kills any chance there is for a girl to miss you and wonder about you. By not texting very much between dates the girl will consider how you thought it went and if you’re going to want to see her again. She won’t know where she stands and this will make her curious. You’ll help her become attracted to you.

I know that sometimes a girl will be the one who encourages chit chat. Even so, without being rude, you should keep it to a minimum. While intending to get to know you a bit more, she may find herself turned off after a couple days of endless chat have made her bored. And the more you text, the more chances you give yourself to f*ck up.

Texting all day every day is tiring. I’ve got better things to do and a life to live, and you should too. This doesn’t mean to be rude and leave a girl hanging. It just means that you shouldn’t incite chit chatty, real time or back and forth conversations. Certainly not before having dated them.

               So what should Jono have done next?

 

Let’s assume Carly replies to Jono’s first text six hours later on Tuesday evening with something like -

“Hey Jono, I’m good thanks how are you? How was the rest of your weekend? Umm I can’t do this weekend as it’s my friend’s birthday, how about next Thursday?”

Firstly I would suggest Jono leave it around an hour, give or take, to reply. You’ll find that a girl will reply to your messages as often as you do most of the time.

Now Carly is being polite and asks Jono how the rest of his weekend was. Let’s say you’re in his shoes. You can take this two ways. You could quite easily write a few lines about your weekend and ask Carly a couple of questions, but this would start a long stream of chit chat conversation which we don’t want. Or you could politely answer the question in one or two sentences then get back to business. If you do ask another question, stick to small talk and don’t ask things like “Oh, what is it you do for work then?” etc.

 

So Jono could reply with –

 

“I’m good also thanks. I was hanging on Sunday, not gonna lie. But I still managed to get some life admin done in time for Monday. How’s your week going? Thursday’s great, how does 8pm at Piccadilly Circus tube station sound?”

Carly – “Oh that’s good. I still felt hungover on Monday, looking forward to Saturday already haha. What do you have planned for the rest of the week? 8pm at Piccadilly is good with me.”

Jono – “I know the feeling. I’m working all week but hoping to find time to meet a mate for coffee one night. Great I’ll see you then”

So the tone of the conversation is polite and friendly but to the point. He's not trying to turn her on with flirty one liners because he know she likes him already and it would probably be taken the wrong way or seem weird.

He does ask a question or two but it’s small talk that doesn’t require much of a reply.

              

               If, for instance Carly had then replied with –

“Oh right what is it you do for work?”

Or some other question. To avoid starting the chit chat, Jono could easily say -

“I’m a web developer for a small company but I’ll tell you about that when we meet. Enjoy the rest of your week.”

By doing this Jono is polite and friendly but shows he isn’t prepared to chit chat and has other things to do. He doesn’t completely shut Carly down either. More importantly he displays non-needy behaviour and gives Carly space to get on with her life.

Similarly if a girl writes a sentence about herself that you feel obliged to reply to, instead of asking a question about it you could simply reply -

“I look forward to hearing about that when I see you” or “You’ll have to tell me about that when I see you”

So it’s Tuesday/Wednesday by the time the date is arranged as above. Jono and Carly are meeting the following Thursday (9/10 days away). If I were Jono I wouldn’t text Carly until Sunday or Monday (5 days away or so). He could write a short message like -

“Hey Carly, how was your friend’s birthday?” or “…, how was your Saturday night?”

Try to then send no more than three or four short text exchanges before ending the conversation. He could end the conversation with -

“On Thursday I’ll wait for you by regent street exit.” Or: “Try not to eat dinner before we meet on Thursday, I know this great place that does tapas.”

Then no more messages until you actually see her.

Quite likely Carly will send Jono the odd “checking in” message throughout the week herself. Jono should treat it the same as he did with conversations he started. Short and light. No ‘getting to know each other’ texts.

You can also send the occasional ‘checking in text’. My rule of thumb for a checking in text is this:

 If there are more than 4 or 5 days between when you arrange a date to when you actually go on it, send a checking in text at around half way between. So if on Monday you arrange a date for Thursday night, there’s no need to send any message other than if you really need to for logistics etc. If on Monday you arrange a date for Saturday night, send a checking in text on Wednesday or Thursday. Or if the date has been arranged for the following weekend, send a text around Sunday or Monday. Just make sure to give the girl lots of space.

 

Do I have to keep this up for the rest of my life?

 

Luckily, no. The more you get to know a girl, and get comfortable with each other, the more your texting habits will change. This is natural. Don’t be worried about the increased frequency or the changing content of your texts once things get more serious. And don’t be fooled into thinking that she only likes you for the way you barely text her.

During your first few dates with a girl I still recommend you adhere to these rules. After a date wait 2 days to text the girl to see how she’s doing and to arrange the next date. Again you’ll cause her to wonder if the date went well and what you thought of her, and then she’ll start to miss you. Before you know it, she’ll be sending the first text.

Extra advice

Responding to flaky texts –

I’ve been at the receiving end of many flaky texts. You start the week on a high, nervously looking forward to the date with a hot girl you’ve arranged for the weekend, then on Thursday your phone buzzes and you see it. She’s cancelled on you. Your stomach sinks and you feel deflated.

Girls change their mind about going on dates for many reasons. Try not to read into them too much and honestly, most of the time, it’s not you, it’s them. Maybe she’s not ready to date yet, maybe she feels a bit anxious, maybe she’s started talking to her ex again, or agreed to be exclusive to some other guy. Or maybe, just maybe, she genuinely is sick, or needs to stay late at work.

Flaky texts usually look something like this:

“Hey, I’m sorry but I can’t do Friday anymore, There’s a conference at work that I have to travel to Birmingham for, so won’t get back in time.”

Or

“Hey, just a heads up, I’m starting to get a cold so I might be too ill to make it on Saturday. I’ll let you know how I feel…”

Or, you’ve asked if she’s free for a drink and she replies -

“Yeh I might be free on Saturday, not sure yet, can I let you know nearer the time?”

Whilst there is a right and wrong way to approach this scenario, bear in mind – If a girl really doesn’t want to see you, she won’t. Nothing you say can change that. However, if she just gets cold feet or has some reservations, you can respond in a way that will encourage her to meet you and puts her mind at rest.

Some men say silly things when their date flakes.

Needy guys, chase after them, desperately trying to rearrange - “No problem, maybe we could meet another time, are you free on Sunday instead?”

Other guys try reverse psychology - “Joanna, I’m a busy guy, I have things going on. I don’t appreciate being messed around. FUCK YOU BITCH…”

As throughout this entire guide, my rule is - back off, give them the space they are asking for.

So, if a girl sends you a text a few days before a date telling you she can’t meet, I recommend texting something like this.

“Hey Emma, that’s a shame, I was looking forward to seeing you on Thursday. Not to worry. If you do want to rearrange, let me know.”

Or

“…I was looking forward to seeing you on Thursday. If you’re still interested, let me know when you’re free. If not, that’s okay too.”

And leave it at that. This response is genuine – you admit you are interested, whilst also displaying your strong self-worth - You won’t chase after a girl that’s just cancelled on you, but you’ll give her another chance should she still be interested.

After sending that reply make sure that you don’t go back on your word. Let her text you, don’t cave in and ask again. When she reads “let me know if you’d like to rearrange”, she’ll think ‘Yeh, whatever, you’ll be texting me tomorrow asking for another date”. But after 2-3 days without another text from you, she’ll think ‘Hang on a minute, he really meant what he said’. If there was any glimmer of hope to begin with, she’ll then text something like - “Hey Tom, so when are you free this week?”

Otherwise, if you never receive a reply, which will happen sometimes, just leave it, accept it, then move on.

I recommend exercising the 2 strikes rule. This applies to women who give wishy washy, lukewarm responses to your advances. If a girl flakes on you once - give her space, let her know you’re interested, leave the ball in her court. If she texts you back, sets a different date but cancels again or continues to be wishy washy – just leave it. Don’t send her abusive messages or block her, just say – “Not to worry” then leave her be, it’s not worth it.  

You should never have to convince a girl to meet you. Only date women that want to date you. Why waste your time a girl that isn’t interested and won’t fulfil you?

Another example:

You’re meeting a girl at 8pm. At 7pm you receive this text -

“Hey, I’m having dinner out with my family and it looks like it might overrun. Not sure what to do…”

She’s really saying “I’m preparing to cancel on you”.  This is the same for most other random last-minute barriers that suddenly come up. The best way to approach the situation as always, is to offer space…

“Hey Nancy, No problem. If you think you won’t make it, that’s fine. We can meet another time.”

The subtext is – ‘you’re not the only thing going on in my life, I’m not hanging around all night for somebody that won’t commit.’

This might be the reassurance she needed that you’re not a desperate loser. You might then receive a reply like this

“No, I can definitely make it. Can we do 8:30 instead?”

 

There are subtle differences between flakes. Some flaky texts will read - “Sorry I can’t go for X reason” whereas others will read - “Sorry, I can’t go for X reason, but I can do Friday night instead?”

If a girl cancels on you, but offers an alternative option, then of course you should respond accordingly – “no problem, Friday is fine.” Or “I can’t do Friday but I’m free Saturday night, or next Tuesday evening” etc.

***

So there you have it. Your ultimate guide to texting girls to get dates.

Now like everything in life, there are no guarantees. This guide isn’t fool-proof, it won’t turn every number you get into a guaranteed date. I could tell you that it will but it wouldn’t be true. Anyone who claims their guide works 100% of the time is lying.

If a girl blanks you or turns you down, be polite and move on. Sending sarcastic and abusive messages is immature and a waste of time. A girl is always allowed to change her mind about you. Accept it.

And bear in mind; nobody gets anything right 100% of the time, so that shouldn’t be your goal. It doesn’t take a 100% success rate to have great dates or to get a girlfriend. So be proud of your failures and mistakes, it means you’re actually taking action and moving forward.

Nevertheless I can say that this guide will dramatically improve your phone number to date conversion and minimise flaky girls.

So re-read these tips and absorb the lessons. Use the techniques and witness the number of dates you go on sky rocket. Once you have a date set, read my first date guide, and I'll teach you how to nail it.

Finally, let me know how it goes; as always I love to hear your stories and I will provide more personal advice where I can.

 

 

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