How to talk to girls naturally.

 

Your guide to flirty banter and charm.

 

 

Contents:

 

1. How people operate

 

2. Cleaning up your etiquette:

  • Filler Words
  • Eye Contact
  • Listening Effectively
  • Talking in Terms of what Interests the Person you’re with.

 

3. Flirting.

 

4. Summary.

 

Recently I’ve been wondering what it is that most guys are worrying about when it comes meeting to women.

 

One of the things that always comes up is conversation –

 

 “how do I flirt with a girl?”

 

 “how do I talk to girls at parties?”

 

“What are the best conversation starters?”

 

We’ve all been there. You can make conversation comfortably, all day long with everybody except a girl you fancy. You get stuck in your head, thinking about what to say, your mouth goes dry and you end up with awkward silences and dead end conversations. Later on when the moment’s gone you think of all the sub topics and cool things you could’ve gone into but couldn’t think of at the time.

 

Why is that? In short – because you want something – you want to make the girl like you, whereas every other conversation you tend to have is simply for the purpose of having a conversation – there’s no underlying expectations. This causes you to overthink the entire process.

 

I was doing a bit of research on what advice is already out there and how good it is, and I found that most of it is just pretty much just – 

 

Women love to speak so let her do all the talking...

 

...ask question after question and pretend you’re really interested in her...

 

...and never talk about yourself. 

 

Rest assured this session will be digging far deeper than that.

 

I wanted to make a guide that wasn’t just about “what do I say to girls” because the truth is, there’s no right or wrong thing – it’s more complicated than that. Much of the advice out there fails to remember that hot women are actually just normal people and operate much the same as everyone else. So the first part of this lesson is about how people operate. And the two fundamental principles you should acknowledge when dealing with them. Afterwards we’re gonna really dig into how to talk to girls, flirty conversations and how to charm your way through conversations.

 

If you’d like to do some further reading, I highly recommend the book ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ by dale Carnegie – it’s a timeless classic published in 1936 that remains so true today. I’ve taken and adapted some of the ideas from it in part one. 

 

Enjoy.

 

 

  1. How People Operate

 

 

Sigmund Freud famously said that - “everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great”.

 

An american philosopher, John Dewey, phrased it a bit differently:

 

He said that “the deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important”

 

The desire to be important.

 

Up there with the needs for good health, food, sleep, money, sex, life after death is the need of a feeling of importance.

 

Civilisation wouldn’t be what it is today if our ancestors hadn’t had this burning urge.

 

But of course not everybody is going to be the next Elon Musk or Steve Jobs, not everybody wants to be. But I can guarantee you that everybody wants to feel appreciated and recognised. Everybody seeks purpose in their lives. It’s the same as wanting to be important. It’s why people buy nice clothes and the latest Iphone. When they work hard, do something charitable, say something funny, win at sports and show off their holiday photos on Instagram - they need to feel recognised and appreciated.

 

To understand that the unfaltering human hunger is to feel appreciated is powerful.

 

The rare individual who satisfies this deep desire in other people will hold them in the palm of their hand,

 

And that’s the first principle - Everybody wants to feel important.

 

What else?

 

Well, what is the number one thing everybody is talking about? Not what’s popular right now - it’s the same thing our grandparents discussed and their grandparents before them. Here’s a clue - when you look at a group photo that you are in - whose face do you look for first?

 

The second principle when dealing with people is to know that everybody's favourite subject is themselves, not you!

 

In his book Carnegie describes a conversation he has with a lady at a dinner party. She asked him “Oh Mr Carnegie” (this was the 1930s remember) “I do want you to tell me about all the wonderful places you have visited and the sights you’ve seen” She then remarked that she and her husband had recently returned from Africa.

 

“Africa!” Carnegie says “How interesting, tell me all about it”.

 

Despite being the one to ask Carnegie the question in the first place - She talks for the next forty five minutes about everywhere she’s been, all the things she liked and everything she saw. Never again did she ask Carnegie what he’d done. Because she didn’t want to hear about his travels. All she wanted was an interested listener so she could expand her own ego.

 

Today it reminds me of the things people post on Instagram and how they constantly jostle for attention. You see someone showing off their trip to California or India or wherever, there’ll be loads of likes and comments saying “Wow, how awesome.” Somewhere in there you’ll often spot the person who’s commented “It so nice there isn’t?” or “Oh you have to visit Santa Monica pier!” - It’s a subtle put down because what they’re really saying is “I’ve been there too!... I don’t care that this is your post and not mine, I’ve done this, I live here… me,me,me,me,me” - They use it as a platform to talk about themselves again.

 

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

 

You must know people who blunder through life trying to coax others into becoming interested in them.

 

But people just aren’t interested. Their not interested in me or you, they’re interested in themselves - morning, afternoon and night- In their experiences, stories, accomplishments and favourite T.V shows - not yours. The same goes for women you’d like to talk to.

 

Genuine interest in other people is what encourages them to like you. Encourages them to feel good around you - to feel valued and listened to.

Often those who are desperate to get something off their chest or ask for your advice on some issue just need a person who’s willing to shut up and listen - really listen. They might not even need your insight. Just simply saying it out loud is what they need to reach their own answers. As they say - A problem shared is a problem halved.

 

So the two fundamental principles you must acknowledge when dealing with people are:

 

People need to feel appreciated/important

People are only interested in themselves.

 

To know this is to understand the basis of all human interaction. This is your key to connecting with people, including the women you’d like to date, better than you ever have. How do we put that into practice? Well, first off, you have to talk less about you, and stop clashing, and instead make them feel good around you.

 

Few people take the time to bear this stuff is in mind. So most aren’t good communicators - they bore people to death and f*ck up their relationships.

 

Because of those two principles, people clash.

 

So here’s some common pitfalls people that you can steer clear of.

 

Generally everybody wants to feel right all the time. Rarely will they admit that they’re wrong or bad or stupid.

 

Ask any prisoner how they wound up in jail and you’ll see they do what everyone else does. They rationalise and explain. Blaming the victims, the lawyers and their upbringing. They are entirely convinced they’re good people. Because, like most people they cannot admit when they’re wrong.

 

How do you feel about people who like to be right all of the time? It’s annoying isn’t it!

 

You’ll disagree on some topic about a movie maybe, then they’ll get their phone out, googling, then shove it in your face to prove their point. Or when they’re wrong, they suddenly become all quiet and make up some excuse that they thought you were talking about a different movie.

 

Anyway...

 

When you argue with people, criticise their choices, tell them they’re wrong or you go wildly out of your way to prove a point - the only thing you achieve is pissing them off and making enemies. - This is why you can never really win an argument.

 

You might not realise it but maybe you have a tendency to aggressively argue your view, or point out faults in others, correct their spelling or quiz them on their geography -  “you’re wrong, you idiot, what have you done?” - maybe you know someone like this - maybe your dad. 

 

How do you think your friends and family feel when you say these things to them? 

 

Do they think -  “Oh he really knows his stuff, I’m glad he had the decency to let me know”? 

 

  • No. 

 

They think - “what a prick” 

 

They don’t care if you’re right, because they want to feel appreciated.

 

So what’s the point here? 

 

Well... what do you want? 

 

Do you want to make friends? 

 

Do you want to have good relationships? 

 

Well take heed of this basic social skill - don’t criticise people, don’t be one of those guys that is right all of the time, avoid arguments.

 

Carnegie puts it perfectly - he says - “Criticism is futile because it puts people on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.” 

 

And that resentment can be demoralising

 

By putting people down you infringe on their number one need to feel important - you make them feel small, irrelevant and full of anger. - That’s exactly how you feel when it happens to you. 

 

But now you know this - how can you respond intelligently? - When you are criticised or insulted or someone tells you, you’re wrong.

 

Become aware of that instinctual feeling inside you to lash out or to defend yourself, justify, make excuses- understand that by doing so, you’re letting people wind you up, you’re taking the bait and all it does is perpetuate the annoyance and arguing.

 

Instead what I want you to do is to side step it. 

 

If you want more people to respect you, dodge the attack. Admit your mistakes, forgive other people’s. If you’re damn sure that you’re right about some fact or issue - don’t say that. Say something like - “Oh, well that’s what I’ve always thought but maybe I’m wrong” , or “I see what you’re saying, now i could be wrong but have you considered….”

 

It’s all in the approach.

 

Women notice this.

 

People you communicate with won’t remember much about what you tell them - your impressive stories or accomplishments.

 

What they will remember is how you make them feel - for better or worse. They won’t care about how intelligent you are - they’ll remember how annoyed and belittled they felt. Or how bored they were waiting for you to stop rambling.

 

They won’t remember all the cool stuff you talked about but they’ll know how amazing they felt that time you complimented their new jacket or glowing skin.

 

They’ll remember the true friend who was the only one to send them a card in advance of their birthday and not rely on Facebook to remind them on the day.

 

So here’s my next key point when dealing with people - Lavishly give appreciation.

 

Recognise the effort others make. 

 

To this day I fondly remember a moment years ago when I was on the school bus. I must’ve been 16 or 17. I’d told some joke that all my friends were laughing at and a few seconds later when it had quietened down my buddy turned to me and said “James, whenever I see you, I always smile” -  I have remembered those words ever since and I can still remember how valued I felt. 

 

And that’s what you can do for people - not to convince them to like you, or get something from them - just to share some love and joy. If you give honest and sincere appreciation without expectations or attachments (which is the crucial point - this is why flattering people with compliment after compliment doesn’t work) the recipient will cherish it for the rest of their lives - you will instantly give them a memory they will still recall in 10,20,30 years time. But the same goes for seething insults.

 

Here’s a recap of part one:

 

The fundamental principles when dealing with all people (including hot girls) you’re talking to are:

 

1: Everybody wants to feel important and appreciated.

2: Everybody is only interested in themselves.

 

And because of that we now know that criticising people will only cause them to hate you and that becoming interested in them is the key to navigating their needs and making good connections.

 

How does this look in normal conversations? How do we use this to talk to women, flirt or seduce them?

 

You might be thinking the lesson here is to never disagree with girls, tell them how great they are and treat them like a celebrity. Well no that’s obviously weird and creepy.

 

Let’s look at the interplay between having a strong identity and being socially competent.



  1. Conversation Etiquette

 

Filler Words.

 

The first step to having flirty, meaningful interactions is to tidy up your conversational etiquette.

 

This is basic stuff that everybody ignores and forgets about.

 

I’m talking about being coherent, effective and eloquent.

 

Firstly, become aware of all the filler words and noises you say - “ummm, like urggh, i guess it’s sorta, kinda, well, i mean you know.”

 

Filler words - the pointless things to say that don’t mean anything. It’s messy and people lose interest.

 

People use the filler words “erm” and “like” because they’re so used to being cut off and interrupted so they fill space with meaningless words to prevent that. The same happens when many guys are talking to girls they like. They get lost in their thoughts thinking about what to say next and end up wasting their breath with these types of words that don’t mean anything.

 

Hi, how are you? Cool, urgh, how’ve you been? Haha i mean, did you get here okay? Sooo yeah just like, tell me something then? 

 

If you need time to whilst your talking, pause in silence, think, then speak.

 

When you’re nervous you’ll automatically breathe less which makes you talk really fast to get everything out and you’ll end up sounding like Eminem.

 

It’s more effective and coherent to slow it down, bring your tone down a notch, breathe, think in silence and generally talk a bit less than you’re probably used to.

 

If you can say something in 10 words - say it in 10 words. There’s no need to dance around the houses waffling.

 

For example:

 

“Customer service is really shit these days - yeah like just last night, well, around 6, I walked down the road to my local cinema - there’s like some restaurants and stuff and urrgh i just went right up to the desk and asked for 1 ticket to the batman movie - batman and superman or batman v superman - something like that it doesn’t matter it wasn’t any good. Anyway, so yeah - I like paid for the ticket and everything and when the guy gave me it I realised it was for the 3d version not the 2D one. And then I said… ah what did i say? No, yeah.. .oh yeah that’s right I said blah blah blah.

 

Instead, that long boring narrative could simply be:

 

“Customer service has been pretty sh*t for me lately - Just last night I was at the cinema and the guy behind the desk sold me a ticket for the 3D version of the movie I wanted to see. It was frustrating he made it out to be my fault….”

 

I’m not sure why you’d be talking about customer service in such depth with a girl you’ve just met, but you get the idea.

 

Aim for calm and quality. Use volume and speak firmly - be mindful and just think before you speak. Swearing is absolutely fine - but just don’t over do it as it loses its punch.

 

Eye contact. 

 

I’ve written extensively about this in my first date guide article but I will mention it again.

 

When you talk girls, or anyone for that matter - look them in the eye. Not around their eye area but actually dead in their eyes - or even better in just one of their eyes. Otherwise you’ll naturally be darting between the two. Most people avoid eye contact for more than a couple of seconds because it can be uncomfortable - it creates tension. When you’re with a girl you like - tension is good. Women love eye contact. You don’t have to stare constantly or over do it - just look in her eyes when you’re talking with each other, hold that eye contact for longer than you usually would and you’ll find that she’ll probably look away before you do to release that tension - which is fine. There’s nothing wrong with you glancing away yourself after a few seconds - it’s not a staring contest.

 

There’s more about eye contact in my first date guide.

 

A person’s name is to them the sweetest sound in any language - so use it. Say their name more.

 

 “So Sarah, tell me about your job”

 

 or even with friends “What did you get up to last weekend then Mike”

 

If you work for a huge company you’ll know the feeling you get when someone high up walking along the corridor, who you’ve never really spoken to says hey “Rob” or whatever your name is - “How’s it going?” You walk away feeling a little full of yourself thinking - “they know my name”.

 

So that’s the simple stuff - cutting out filler words, slowing it down, making good eye contact and saying their name.

 

Listening Effectively.

 

You must know a few talkers. Those people who just fucking talk and talk and talk - barely giving you a chance to speak. Then when they finally get to the end of their rambling they say “Sorry I know I talk a lot I’ll stop now” - as if that makes it okay - if they know they talk too much, then why do they still do it -  I’m thinking, but you’re more likely to say something like “oh no, not at all.'' 

Then they start talking all over again.

 

This is an extreme example, yet even so, most guys talk too much. They ramble on about their jobs, their accomplishments and tell long stories they think are impressive.

 

They meet a girl at a party or in a bar and bore the hell out of women they’d like to attract, failing to acknowledge the fundamental principle that everybody’s favourite subject is themselves, not them. People, including women - don’t care about how amazing your life. - This might not be true for your close family or your parents but it definitely is for everyone else.

 

Here’s my next point -  learn to listen. Next time you get the chance, eavesdrop on other people’s conversations - especially guys talking to guys. Or on the phone. “I did this..., i think that..., i like these things…”

 

People constantly interrupting each other or not really listening but waiting for a chance to respond, turning the subject back to themselves.

 

That’s another thing I really hate, when you’re talking for 30 seconds and then the person you’re with says “Sorry, what was that, I wasn’t listening”. You just think “what’s the point?”

 

Pay attention to yourself the next time you’re having a conversation with a friend of yours. About the weekend or work stuff, anything.

 

You’ll notice the urge to butt in, tell them your opinion or your funny story, the awesome movie you saw - you’ll want to do anything to be heard. Because that’s what we all want. To be heard, appreciated, recognised. 

 

From now on make a decision to listen. Listen to understand what’s being said - don’t sit there thinking of how best to respond - just really understand what is being said. 

 

Let people finish their sentences. I’ll say that again because most don’t do it. Let people finish their sentences. Even if they pause to think. Or if they say those filler words - “ummmm”, “urrrgh” Let them think. Just sit back, look and listen. When they’ve finished their sentence pause, then it’s your turn.

 

Talking in Terms of what Interests the Person you’re with.

 

Guys tend to do one of two things when it comes to talking to girls on dates or trying to flirt. Both stem from the idea that they need to impress her. 

 

They’ll either do what I’ve already said - Talk at length about themselves, uninhibited, with little regard to whether she’s actually interested in.

 

Or they’ll have read somewhere that women like a man of mystery so decide not to reveal anything about themselves, they’ll play games getting her to guess what his job is or keep turning everything she asks back on her without giving a straight answer. They ask question after question and it starts feeling like an interview.

 

Now whilst you should aim to talk about yourself less than you possibly are currently there’s no way you’d ever get to know each other if you never reveal what you’re all about.

 

I recommend that you talk about yourself in terms of the other person’s interests. 

 

What does that mean?

 

If she asks - “Do you have any hobbies?”

 

Instead of saying - “I love to travel, I’ve been to 25 countries - Thailand, India - I spent 2 months in Argentina grooming horses and I trekked through machu picchu in Peru.” 

 

You could instead say “I love to travel, do you?”

 

She might say “Yes, absolutely - I’ve been to 18 countries in the last 5 years”

 

You could say “That’s great, what was your favourite?”

 

Her “Probably Vietnam, the scenery was amazing and the food is so cheap. I rented a motorbike and rode all the way up the coast”

 

You - “Wow, I’ve never been Vietnam, I’ll have to go one day. I have done Thailand which I imagine is quite similar but just more touristy than Vietnam, or so i hear”

 

Then she’s like - “Yeah awesome, exactly. Where else have you been?”

 

You - “All over actually but I spent most of my time abroad in Australia which I’d go back to in a heartbeat - Did you go there?”

 

Instead of exchanging facts and long stories about yourself, you’re keeping it relevant to what she connects to, and crucially you’re focusing on your feelings and opinions. 

 

If she talks about something you know nothing about it doesn’t matter. 

 

For instance - 

 

She might say - “I’m really into Yoga, yeah, I go about 3 times a week”

 

You can say - “Ah I don’t really know much about Yoga, I’ve never tried it, but I bet it’s a lot harder than it looks”.

 

She’s like - “Oh you have no idea. I swear it’s worse than any other workout I’ve done, I’m so red when I leave.”

 

You - “Whenever I’m in the gym I see everyone arriving for the yoga class. There always seems to be one or two guys for every 10 girls and I just think - he’s really going out of his way to meet women”

 

Again, you’re talking about yourself, you work out, you have a hobby, you even told a bite size story but in a way that she can easily respond to because she’s brought up the topic of yoga and health and fitness.

 

Or finally 

 

She asks - “Where do you work?”

 

You say - “I’m a key account manager at a marketing company in Shoreditch - Do you know anything about marketing?”

 

Her - “Not really, I’m a paramedic so nothing like what you do.”

 

You - “I see. That must be very stressful, I think I’d find it hard to detach myself from the people I'm treating”

 

She might completely agree or not, but whatever her opinion, she’ll have verbal diarrhea.

 

More on this stuff shortly. 

 

Using short snippets instead of long and dreary narratives is a principle that is also key when texting girls - which as it happens I’ve made a guide for.

 

So to recap, talking about ourselves in terms of what they’re interested in - we’re not ignoring questions about ourselves or only talking about her - we frame what we say around what she can connect with. We might tell a short story, or talk about what we’ve done but concisely in a way that’s easy for them to respond to. It’s your job to work out those things that she’s passionate about and loves to share. 

 

By doing this you encourage conversations that involves them and their interests which as you know - people love. 

 

You’ll begin to notice that girls and guys you talk to feel good around you. Tactics aside - this is a nice thing to do. It honestly makes people feel so much better when they have somebody who they can open up to without fear of judgement or harsh criticism.

 

***

 

As I described near the beginning, even though you might get asked a question about yourself, that person would probably rather talk about their own experiences on that subject.

 

For instance:

 

Her -  “Do you watch much on Netflix?”

 

You - “Yeah there’s a couple of series I like - Stranger Things is one of them - What are you watching?”

 

Her: “OMG I love stranger things. Have you seen The OA? - you have to watch it.”

 

Or 

 

Her: “Do you enjoy your job?”

 

You: “Yes and no - like most people, I have good days and bad days. I’d love to work for myself someday though - would you say your job is a career for life?”

 

Her: “No way! So what I would love to do is…….”

 

Let’s move on.



  1. Flirting and building rapport

 

Using statements and assumptions instead of question after question is the way to minimise awkward silences and dried up conversations.

 

They’re a great way to create a flirty and playful atmosphere.

 

Let’s pretend you’re with a girl who says she went to see a play last night. She’s passionate about why she liked it, she describes the set, costumes and background music. Instead of asking “do you like theatre?” you could say “you pay close attention to detail, you must have a very academic job.”

 

Or you could say

 

“I don’t really go to the theatre, I just wouldn’t know where to start or what I’d like.”

 

Or

 

“I’ve seen the movie version actually, I didn’t really care for any of the characters, it’s not the best thing I’d seen.”

 

Or

 

“You strike me as an artsy person, I can see you wandering around museums on your days off.”

 

Each of these statements or assumptions are far more engaging than asking another bland question. They reveal something about yourself, they’re bold, more fun and confident. - They create fun and flowing conversations that aren’t interviewy (is that a word). Read more about this afterwards in my guide to approaching women.

 

A girl could say anything. Something that you know nothing about in the slightest. She could tell you she’s a financial broker and you could say “Do you know what, I know nothing about finance, I bet it’s a really male dominated environment” or “I bet it’s a very stressful environment”

 

The great thing about assumptions is that, if you’re right, she’s gonna say “wow, how’d you know that!!” she’ll be impressed and a little freaked out. If you’re wrong though, it doesn’t matter, she’ll laugh and tell you how it really is.

 

Whatever you’re talking about, there will always be subtopics for you to delve into. Maybe your looking over a menu in a restaurant and she says “I’ve hated eggs ever since I was a kid” – well right there you could go into:

 

Her childhood – where she grew up, if she has siblings, if she enjoyed school, if she keeps in touch with any of her school friends.

 

Food – eggs – did she have a bad experience, are there any foods that you have hated since a bad experience, or started liking after avoiding it for years, what food does she like, what cuisine is her favourite and why.

 

You see when you listen attentively rather than try planning exactly what to say next, other subtopics will naturally spring up for you to explore.

 

But if the conversation is as free flowing as the alcohol in Saudi Arabia, then try sharing statements about yourself.

 

“That book you’re reading, I keep seeing people with it on the tube”

 

“It was stressful on the bus on my way in, this child wouldn’t stop crying, I felt sorry for his mum but it was giving me such a headache”

 

“I’m dreading work tomorrow morning, I find it hard to switch off sometimes”

 

“My friend just turned 25 this week, we went go-karting. It was fun but I got oil stains all over my favourite trainers, I don’t know why I wore them”

 

This sounds like basic stuff, and it is.

 

Comments like these force you to open up and share yourself which will reach out to everyone and encourage free flowing chat with, questions or comments about a similar experience she had.

 

Keep your statements simple and open. Don’t interrogate her with anything long or convoluted. Some brave and fun questions to ask early on can simply be - “so, what do you like?” or say “tell me something” - You’ll get fun responses with loads of subjects you can branch into. She’ll say “what do you mean?” and you could say – “Well, what do you like to do? What’s your thing that you love?

 

 A good question to ask can be – “Why do you say that?”, or “What makes you feel that way?”

For example –  Her - “I love Paris, it’s so nice!”

                        You - “Oh right, I’ve not been, what’s nice about it?”

Get her to justify herself. Challenge her. 

 

And this is where we reach a loggerhead - Up until now you might be fooled in thinking the way to deal with people is to only ever be nice to them - listen, let them talk, never tell them they’re wrong. Well of course that’s not always true. In fact, sometimes it’s so important that you say “no”, disagree or challenge, even if you risk pissing the person off.

 

Disagreeing with or challenging people doesn’t mean criticising them. 

 

In fact - disagreeing with women you like is healthy.

 

Inexperienced guys find it hard to disagree with or challenge girls. They’ll sit back and listen to her talk sh*t about something they like whilst smiling and nodding as if they feel the same way. 

 

It could be a T.V show they love, a highly publicised news story they care about or even a lifestyle choice they’re aware of. When she says something you don’t agree with, or you find it offensive, you need to let her know. 

 

Listen - if some prick is trying to rob you or is causing you grief - of course all of this diplomatic stuff goes out the window - you attack them verbally and physically if appropriate.

 

But when you’re dealing with friends, co-workers and women you’re dating, we’re required to communicate in a more intelligent way. When you disagree with women - frame it in a way that’s respectful.

 

Don’t pretend to be appalled or put her down intentionally – just be honest. 

 

Don’t be a pr*ck about it either- respect her point of view, just let her know it’s not how you feel. If it’s not something you’ve given much thought to, just say that. Girls aren’t used to it, they’ll find it refreshing and dare I say attractive.

 

She might say: - “I love Paris, it’s so nice!”

 

Instead of replying – “Are you crazy? No it isn’t, I hate Paris it’s a shit hole”

          

You could say - “Really? I saw a lot of litter and homeless people. Most of the restaurant staff were rude and slow.”

 

There’s a difference.

 

Anyway. Let’s talk more about flirting.

 

Basically - flirting comes in two forms - Direct and indirect.

 

Direct flirting is brave and honest:

 

Saying - “You look really cute”

 

“You’re looking sexy tonight”

 

“I love your eyes”

 

“I’d love to get to know you”

 

It creates sexual tension because you’ll get her thinking -  “Wow he’s confident. What might happen next?”

 

Whereas indirect flirting is things like teasing - Which isn’t to be confused with insulting women - which you should never try to do.

 

Teasing is simple - you’ll do it with your friends and co-workers already. You don’t need me to explain how to take the piss. You don’t need to plan them or think of cool sexual innuendos. It can be sexual but it doesn’t have to be. 

 

Teasing is making fun of someone or something they’ve done in a way that is warm and fun - there’s no intention actually offend them or put them down.

 

It sends mixed signals - the words being said suggest you don’t like them. But like i said the feeling behind it is - I’m being silly, we’re having fun, I actually quite like you.

 

In this case it’s the mixed signals that cause the tension.

 

4. Summary

 

By now you understand that everybody operates from two places:

 

1: Their need to feel important.

2: The fact they’re only interested in themselves.

 

We learnt that criticism is futile because it just pushes people away and just as important - when people do the same to you - Be aware of your own emotions and keep a level head.

 

Stop talking about yourself so much and start practising good listening. Identify what is important to that person right now and talk about yourself in terms of that.

 

Use statements and assumptions to encourage conversation which naturally leads to flirty, playful encounters.

 

And finally don’t be afraid to challenge people with an honest opinion?

 

You probably won’t nail it all straight away, and I’m sure you’ll catch yourself rambling or overreacting from time to time. This is fine and all part of trying to better yourself.

 

Slowly, these conversation skills will become instinctual - you’ll be leading rich conversations, making connections easily and flirting naturally.

 

Best of all, you can practice these conversation ideas with anybody, except for the flirting I guess.

 

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